I was konsiderbul riled at this.Sez I, "My gentle Sir, Ime a nonresistanter as a ginral thing, & don't want to git up no rows with nobuddy, but I kin nevertheles kave in enny man's hed that calls me a obtoos," with whitch remarks I kommenst fur to pull orf my extry garmints."Cum on," sez I--"Time! hear's the Beniki Boy fur ye!" & I darnced round like a poppit.He riz up in his seet & axed my pardin--sed it was all a mistake--that Iwas a good man, etsettery, & sow 4th, & we fixt it all up pleasant.I must say the man in black close seamed to be as fine a man as ever lived in the wurld.He sed a Octoroon was the 8th of a negrow.He likewise statid that the female he was travlin with was formurly a slave in Mississippy; that she'd purchist her freedim & now wantid to purchiss the freedim of her poor old muther, who (the man in black close obsarved) was between 87 years of age & had to do all the cookin & washin for 25 hired men, whitch it was rapidly breakin down her konstitushun.
He sed he knowed the minit he gazed onto my klassic & beneverlunt fase that I'd donate librully & axed me to go over & see her, which I accordingly did.I sot down beside her and sed, "yure Sarvant, Marm! How do yer git along?"She bust in 2 teers & sed, "O Sur, I'm so retchid--I'm a poor unfortunit Octoroon.""So I larn.Yure rather more Roon than Octo, I take it," sed I, fur I never seed a puttier gal in the hull endoorin time of my life.She had on a More Antic Barsk & a Poplin Nubier with Berage trimmins onto it, while her ise & kurls was enuff to make a man jump into a mill pond without biddin his relashuns good-by.I pittid the Octoroon from the inmost recusses of my hart & hawled out 50 dollars kerslap, & told her to buy her old muther as soon as posserbul.Sez she "kine sir mutch thanks."She then lade her hed over onto my showlder & sed I was "old rats." I was astonished to heer this obsarvation, which Iknowd was never used in refined society & I perlitely but emfattercly shovd her hed away.
Sez I "Marm, I'm trooly sirprized."
Sez she, "git out.Yure the nicist old man Ive seen yit.Give us anuther 50!" Had a seleck assortment of the most tremenjious thunderbolts descended down onto me I couldn't hav bin more takin aback.I jumpt up, but she ceased my coat tales & in a wild voise cride, "No, Ile never desart you--let us fli together to a furrin shoor!"Sez I, "not mutch we wont," and I made a powerful effort to get awa from her."This is plade out," I sed, whereupon she jerkt me back into the seet."Leggo my coat, you scandaluss female,"I roared, when she set up the most unarthly yellin and hollerin you ever heerd.The passinjers & the gentlemunly konducter rusht to the spot, & I don't think I ever experiunsed sich a rumpus in the hull coarse of my natral dase.The man in black close rusht up to me & sed "How dair yu insult my neece, you horey heded vagabone.You base exhibbiter of low wax figgers--yu woolf in sheep's close," & sow 4th.
I was konfoozed.I was a loonytick fur the time bein, and offered 5 dollars reward to enny gentleman of good morrul carracter who wood tell me whot my name was & what town I livd into.The konducter kum to me & sed the insultid parties wood settle for 50 dollars, which I immejitly hawled out, & agane implored sumbuddy to state whare I was prinsipully, & if Ishood be thare a grate while my self ef things went on as they'd bin goin fur sum time back.I then axed if there was enny more Octoroons present, "becawz," sez I, "ef there is, let um cum along, fur Ime in the Octoroon bizniss." I then threw my specterculs out of the winder, smasht my hat wildly down over my Ise, larfed highsterically & fell under a seet.I lay there sum time & fell asleep.I dreamt Mrs.Ward & the twins had bin carried orf by Ryenosserhosses & that Baldinsville had bin captered by a army of Octoroons.When I awoked the lamps was a burnin dimly.Sum of the passinjers was a snorein like pawpusses & the little damsell in the pinc gown was a singin "Oft in the Silly nite." The onprinsipuld Octoroon & the miserbul man in black close was gone, & all of a suddent it flasht ore my brane that I'de bin swindild.
1.9.EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR.
In the Ortum of 18-- my frend, the editor of the Baldinsville Bugle, was obleged to leave perfeshernal dooties & go & dig his taters, & he axed me to edit for him dooring his absence.
Accordingly I ground up his Shears and commenced.It didn't take me a grate while to slash out copy enuff from the xchanges (Perhaps five per cent.of the Western newspapers is original matter relating to the immediate neighborhood, the rest is composed of "telegraphs" and clippings from the "exchanges"--a general term applied to those papers posted in exchange for others, the accommodation being a mutual benefit.) for one issoo, and I thawt I'd ride up to the next town on a little Jaunt, to rest my Branes, which had bin severely rackt by my mental efforts.(This is sorter Ironical.) So I went over to the Rale Road offiss and axed the Sooprintendent for a pars.
"YOU a editer?" he axed, evijently on the pint of snickerin.
"Yes Sir," sez I; "don't I look poor enuff?""Just about," sed he, "but our Road can't pars you.""Can't, hay?"
"No Sir--it can't."
"Becauz," sez I, lookin him full in the face with a Eagle eye, "IT GOES SO DARNED SLOW IT CAN'T PARS ANYBODY!" Methinks I had him thar.It's the slowest Rale Road in the West.With a mortified air, he told me to git out of his offiss.I pittid him and went.
1.10.OBERLIN.
