At Ann Arbor, bein seized with a sudden faintness, I called for a drop of suthin to drink.As I was stirrin the beverage up, a pale-faced man in gold spectacles laid his hand upon my shoulder, & sed, "Look not upon the wine when it is red!"Sez I, "This ain't wine.This is Old Rye.""'It stingeth like a Adder and biteth like a Sarpent!'" sed the man.
"I guess not," sed I, "when you put sugar into it.That's the way I allers take mine.""Have you sons grown up, sir?" the man axed.
"Wall," I replide, as I put myself outside my beverage, "my son Artemus junior is goin on 18.""Ain't you afraid if you set this example be4 him he'll cum to a bad end?""He's cum to a waxed end already.He's learnin the shoe makin bizness," I replide."I guess we can both on us git along without your assistance, Sir," I obsarved, as he was about to open his mouth agin.
"This is a cold world!" sed the man.
"That's so.But you'll get into a warmer one by and by if you don't mind your own bizness better." I was a little riled at the feller, because I never take anythin only when I'm onwell.
I arterwards learned he was a temperance lecturer, and if he can injuce men to stop settin their inards on fire with the frightful licker which is retailed round the country, I shall hartily rejoice.Better give men Prusick Assid to onct, than to pizen 'em to deth by degrees.
At Albion I met with overwhelmin success.The celebrated Albion Female Semenary is located here, & there air over 300young ladies in the Institushun, pretty enough to eat without seasonin or sass.The young ladies was very kind to me, volunteerin to pin my handbills onto the backs of their dresses.It was a surblime site to see over 300 young ladies goin round with a advertisement of A.Ward's onparaleld show, conspickusly posted onto their dresses.
They've got a Panick up this way and refooze to take Western money.It never was worth much, and when western men, who knows what it is, refooze to take their own money it is about time other folks stopt handlin it.Banks are bustin every day, goin up higher nor any balloon of which we hav any record.
These western bankers air a sweet & luvly set of men.I wish Iowned as good a house as some of 'em would break into!
Virtoo is its own reward.
A.Ward.
1.8.THE OCTOROON.
It is with no ordernary feelins of Shagrin & indignashun that Irite you these here lines.Sum of the hiest and most purest feelins whitch actoate the humin hart has bin trampt onto.The Amerycan flag has bin outrajed.Ive bin nussin a Adder in my Boozum.The fax in the kase is these here:
A few weeks ago I left Baldinsville to go to N.Y.fur to git out my flamin yeller hanbills fur the Summer kampane, & as Iwas peroosin a noospaper on the kars a middel aged man in speckterkuls kum & sot down beside onto me.He was drest in black close & was appeerently as fine a man as ever was.
"A fine day, Sir," he did unto me strateway say.
"Middlin," sez I, not wishin to kommit myself, tho he peered to be as fine a man as there was in the wurld--"It is a middlin fine day, Square," I obsarved.
Sez he, "How fares the Ship of State in yure regine of country?"Sez I, "We don't hav no ships in our State--the kanawl is our best holt."He pawsed a minit and then sed, "Air yu aware, Sir, that the krisis is with us?""No," sez I, getting up and lookin under the seet, "whare is she?""It's hear--it's everywhares," he sed.
Sez I, "Why how you tawk!" and I gut up agin & lookt all round.
"I must say, my fren," I continnered, as I resoomed my seet, "that I kan't see nothin of no krisis myself." I felt sumwhat alarmed, & arose & in a stentoewrian voice obsarved that if any lady or gentleman in that there kar had a krisis consealed abowt their persons they'd better projuce it to onct or suffer the konsequences.Several individoouls snickered rite out, while a putty little damsell rite behind me in a pinc gown made the observashun, "He, he.""Sit down, my fren," sed the man in black close, "yu miskomprehend me.I meen that the perlittercal ellermunts are orecast with black klouds, 4boden a friteful storm.""Wall," replide I, "in regard to perlittercal ellerfunts Idon't know as how but what they is as good as enny other kind of ellerfunts.But I maik bold to say thay is all a ornery set & unpleasant to hav around.They air powerful hevy eaters &take up a right smart chans of room, & besides thay air as ugly and revenjeful, as a Cusscaroarus Injun, with 13 inches of corn whisky in his stummick." The man in black close seemed to be as fine a man as ever was in the wurld.He smilt & sed praps Iwas rite, tho it was ellermunts instid of ellerfunts that he was alludin to, & axed me what was my prinserpuls?
"I haint gut enny," sed I--"not a prinserpul.Ime in the show biznis." The man in black close, I will hear obsarve, seemed to be as fine a man as ever was in the wurld.
"But," sez he, "you hav feelins into you? You cimpathize with the misfortunit, the loly & the hart-sick, don't you?" He bust into teers and axed me ef I saw that yung lady in the seet out yender, pintin to as slick a lookin gal as I ever seed.
Sed I, "2 be shure I see her--is she mutch sick?" The man in black close was appeerently as fine a man as ever was in the wurld ennywhares.
"Draw closter to me," sed the man in black close."Let me git my mowth fernenst yure ear.Hush--SHESE A OCTOROON!""No!" sez I, gittin up in a exsited manner, "yu don't say so!
How long has she bin in that way?"
"Frum her arliest infuncy," sed he.
"Wall, whot upon arth duz she doo it fur?" I inquired.
"She kan't help it," sed the man in black close."It's the brand of Kane.""Wall, she'd better stop drinkin Kane's brandy," I replide.
"I sed the brand of Kane was upon her--not brandy, my fren.
Yure very obtoose."
