'Get on with my omelette,'he says,'and do not bother yourself about that.'Tis a cat.'
'A cat!says she;'it was as round as a ball.'
'She puts back her frying-pan on the fire.Pouf!Down comes a leg this time,and they go through the whole story again.The man was no more astonished at the foot than he had been at the head;he snatched up the leg and threw it out at the door.Before they had finished,the other leg,both arms,the body,the whole murdered traveler,in fact,came down piecemeal.No omelette all this time!The old hemp-seller grew very hungry indeed.
"'By my salvation!'said he,'when once my omelette is made we will see about satisfying that man yonder.'
"'So you admit,now,that it was a man?'said the hunchback wife."
'What made you say that it was not a head a minute ago,you great worry?'"
"The woman breaks the eggs,fries the omelette,and dishes it up without any more grumbling;somehow this squabble began to make her feel very uncomfortable.Her husband sits down and begins to eat.The hunchback was frightened,and said that she was not hungry."
"'Tap!tap!'There was a stranger rapping at the door."
"Who is there?"
"The man that died yesterday!"
"Come in,'answers the hemp-grower."
"So the traveler comes in,sits himself down on a three-legged stool,and says:'Are you mindful of God,who gives eternal peace to those who confess His Name?Woman!You saw me done to death,and you have said nothing!I have been eaten by the pigs!The pigs do not enter Paradise,and therefore I,a Christian man,shall go down into hell,all because a woman forsooth will not speak,a thing that has never been known before.You must deliver me,'and so on,and so on.
"The woman,who was more and more frightened every minute,cleaned her frying-pan,put on her Sunday clothes,went to the justice,and told him about the crime,which was brought to light,and the robbers were broken on the wheel in proper style on the Market Place.This good work accomplished,the woman and her husband always had the finest hemp you ever set eyes on.Then,which pleased them still better,they had something that they had wished for for a long time,to-wit,a man-child,who in course of time became a great lord of the king's.
"That is the true story of The Courageous Hunchback Woman.
"I do not like stories of that sort;they make me dream at night,"said La Fosseuse."Napoleon's adventures are much nicer,I think.""Quite true,"said the keeper."Come now,M.Goguelat,tell us about the Emperor.""The evening is too far gone,"said the postman,"and I do not care about cutting short the story of a victory.""Never mind,let us hear about it all the same!We know the stories,for we have heard you tell them many a time;but it is always a pleasure to hear them.""Tell us about the Emperor!"cried several voices at once.
"You will have it?"answered Goguelat."Very good,but you will see that there is no sense in the story when it is gone through at a gallop.I would rather tell you all about a single battle.Shall it be Champ-Aubert,where we ran out of cartridges,and furbished them just the same with the bayonet?""No,the Emperor!the Emperor!"The old infantry man got up from his truss of hay and glanced round about on those assembled,with the peculiar sombre expression in which may be read all the miseries,adventures,and hardships of an old soldier's career.He took his coat by the two skirts in front,and raised them,as if it were a question of once more packing up the knapsack in which his kit,his shoes,and all he had in the world used to be stowed;for a moment he stood leaning all his weight on his left foot,then he swung the right foot forward,and yielded with a good grace to the wishes of his audience.He swept his gray hair to one side,so as to leave his forehead bare,and flung back his head and gazed upwards,as if to raise himself to the lofty height of the gigantic story that he was about to tell.
"Napoleon,you see,my friends,was born in Corsica,which is a French island warmed by the Italian sun;it is like a furnace there,everything is scorched up,and they keep on killing each other from father to son for generations all about nothing at all--'tis a notion they have.To begin at the beginning,there was something extraordinary about the thing from the first;it occurred to his mother,who was the handsomest woman of her time,and a shrewd soul,to dedicate him to God,so that he should escape all the dangers of infancy and of his after life;for she had dreamed that the world was on fire on the day he was born.It was a prophecy!So she asked God to protect him,on condition that Napoleon should re-establish His holy religion,which had been thrown to the ground just then.That was the agreement;we shall see what came of it.
"Now,do you follow me carefully,and tell me whether what you are about to hear is natural.
"It is certain sure that only a man who had had imagination enough to make a mysterious compact would be capable of going further than anybody else,and of passing through volleys of grape-shot and showers of bullets which carried us off like flies,but which had a respect for his head.I myself had particular proof of that at Eylau.I see him yet;he climbs a hillock,takes his field-glass,looks along our lines,and says,'That is going on all right.'One of the deep fellows,with a bunch of feathers in his cap,used to plague him a good deal from all accounts,following him about everywhere,even when he was getting his meals.This fellow wants to do something clever,so as soon as the Emperor goes away he takes his place.Oh!swept away in a moment!And this is the last of the bunch of feathers!You understand quite clearly that Napoleon had undertaken to keep his secret to himself.That is why those who accompanied him,and even his especial friends,used to drop like nuts:Duroc,Bessieres,Lannes--men as strong as bars of steel,which he cast into shape for his own ends.And here is a final proof that he was the child of God,created to be the soldier's father;for no one ever saw him as a lieutenant or a captain.He is a commandant straight off!Ah!yes,indeed!He did not look more than four-and-twenty,but he was an old general ever since the taking of Toulon,when he made a beginning by showing the rest that they knew nothing about handling cannon.Next thing he does,he tumbles upon us.A little slip of a general-in-chief of the army of Italy,which had neither bread nor ammunition nor shoes nor clothes--a wretched army as naked as a worm.
"'Friends,'he said,'here we all are together.Now,get it well into your pates that in a fortnight's time from now you will be the victors,and dressed in new clothes;you shall all have greatcoats,strong gaiters,and famous pairs of shoes;but,my children,you will have to march on Milan to take them,where all these things are.'"
"So they marched.The French,crushed as flat as a pancake,held up their heads again.There were thirty thousand of us tatterdemalions against eighty thousand swaggerers of Germans--fine tall men and well equipped;I can see them yet.Then Napoleon,who was only Bonaparte in those days,breathed goodness knows what into us,and on we marched night and day.We rap their knuckles at Montenotte;we hurry on to thrash them at Rivoli,Lodi,Arcola,and Millesimo,and we never let them go.The army came to have a liking for winning battles.Then Napoleon hems them in on all sides,these German generals did not know where to hide themselves so as to have a little peace and comfort;he drubs them soundly,cribs ten thousand of their men at a time by surrounding them with fifteen hundred Frenchmen,whom he makes to spring up after his fashion,and at last he takes their cannon,victuals,money,ammunition,and everything they have that is worth taking;he pitches them into the water,beats them on the mountains,snaps at them in the air,gobbles them up on the earth,and thrashes them everywhere.
"There are the troops in full feather again!For,look you,the Emperor (who,for that matter,was a wit)soon sent for the inhabitant,and told him that he had come there to deliver him.
Whereupon the civilian finds us free quarters and makes much of us,so do the women,who showed great discernment.To come to a final end;in Ventose '96,which was at that time what the month of March is now,we had been driven up into a corner of the Pays des Marmottes;but after the campaign,lo and behold!we were the masters of Italy,just as Napoleon had prophesied.And in the month of March following,in one year and in two campaigns,he brings us within sight of Vienna;we had made a clean sweep of them.We had gobbled down three armies one after another,and taken the conceit out of four Austrian generals;one of them,an old man who had white hair,had been roasted like a rat in the straw before Mantua.The kings were suing for mercy on their knees.Peace had been won.Could a mere mortal have done that?No.God helped him,that is certain.He distributed himself about like the five loaves in the Gospel,commanded on the battlefield all day,and drew up his plans at night.The sentries always saw him coming;he neither ate nor slept.Therefore,recognizing these prodigies,the soldier adopts him for his father.But,forward!
The other folk there in Paris,seeing all this,say among themselves:
"Here is a pilgrim who appears to take his instructions from Heaven above;he is uncommonly likely to lay a hand on France.We must let him loose on Asia or America,and that,perhaps,will keep him quiet."
"The same thing was decreed for him as for Jesus Christ;for,as a matter of fact,they give him orders to go on duty down in Egypt.See his resemblance to the Son of God!That is not all,though.He calls all his fire-eaters about him,all those into whom he had more particularly put the devil,and talks to them in this way:
'My friends,for the time being they are giving us Egypt to stop our mouths.But we will swallow down Egypt in a brace of shakes,just as we swallowed Italy,and private soldiers shall be princes,and shall have broad lands of their own.Forward!'
'Forward,lads!'cry the sergeants.
"So we come to Toulon on the way to Egypt.Whereupon the English put to sea with all their fleet.But when we are on board,Napoleon says to us:
'They will not see us:and it is right and proper that you should know henceforward that your general has a star in the sky that guides us and watches over us!'
"So said,so done.As we sailed over the sea we took Malta,by way of an orange to quench his thirst for victory,for he was a man who must always be doing something.There we are in Egypt.Well and good.
Different orders.The Egyptians,look you,are men who,ever since the world has been the world,have been in the habit of having giants to reign over them,and armies like swarms of ants;because it is a country full of genii and crocodiles,where they have built up pyramids as big as our mountains,the fancy took them to stow their kings under the pyramids,so as to keep them fresh,a thing which mightily pleases them all round out there.Whereupon,as we landed,the Little Corporal said to us:
"My children,the country which you are about to conquer worships a lot of idols which you must respect,because the Frenchman ought to be on good terms with all the world,and fight people without giving annoyance.Get it well into your heads to let everything alone at first;for we shall have it all by and by!and forward!"
"So far so good.But all those people had heard a prophecy of Napoleon,under the name of Kebir Bonaberdis;a word which in our lingo means,'The Sultan fires a shot,'and they feared him like the devil.So the Grand Turk,Asia,and Africa have recourse to magic,and they send a demon against us,named the Mahdi,who it was thought had come down from heaven on a white charger which,like its master was bullet-proof,and the pair of them lived on the air of that part of the world.There are people who have seen them,but for my part Icannot give you any certain informations about them.They were the divinities of Arabia and of the Mamelukes who wished their troopers to believe that the Mahdi had the power of preventing them from dying in battle.They gave out that he was an angel sent down to wage war on Napoleon,and to get back Solomon's seal,part of their paraphernalia which they pretended our general had stolen.You will readily understand that we made them cry peccavi all the same.
"Ah,just tell me now how they came to know about that compact of Napoleon's?Was that natural?"
"They took it into their heads for certain that he commanded the genii,and that he went from place to place like a bird in the twinkling of an eye;and it is a fact that he was everywhere.At length it came about that he carried off a queen of theirs.She was the private property of a Mameluke,who,although he had several more of them,flatly refused to strike a bargain,though 'the other'"offered all his treasures for her and diamonds as big as pigeon's eggs.When things had come to that pass,they could not well be settled without a good deal of fighting;and there was fighting enough for everybody and no mistake about it.
"Then we are drawn up before Alexandria,and again at Gizeh,and before the Pyramids.We had to march over the sands and in the sun;people whose eyes dazzled used to see water that they could not drink and shade that made them fume.But we made short work of the Mamelukes as usual,and everything goes down before the voice of Napoleon,who seizes Upper and Lower Egypt and Arabia,far and wide,till we came to the capitals of kingdoms which no longer existed,where there were thousands and thousands of statues of all the devils in creation,all done to the life,and another curious thing too,any quantity of lizards.A confounded country where any one could have as many acres of land as he wished for as little as he pleased.
"While he was busy inland,where he meant to carry out some wonderful ideas of his,the English burn his fleet for him in Aboukir Bay,for they never could do enough to annoy us.But Napoleon,who was respected East and West,and called 'My Son'by the Pope,and 'My dear Father'by Mahomet's cousin,makes up his mind to have his revenge on England,and to take India in exchange for his fleet.He set out to lead us into Asia,by way of the Red Sea,through a country where there were palaces for halting-places,and nothing but gold and diamonds to pay the troops with,when the Mahdi comes to an understanding with the Plague,and sends it among us to make a break in our victories.Halt!Then every man files off to that parade from which no one comes back on his two feet.The dying soldier cannot take Acre,into which he forces an entrance three times with a warrior's impetuous enthusiasm;the Plague was too strong for us;there was not even time to say 'Your servant,sir!'to the Plague.Every man was down with it.Napoleon alone was as fresh as a rose;the whole army saw him drinking in the Plague without it doing him any harm whatever.
"There now,my friends,was that natural,do you think?
"The Mamelukes,knowing that we were all on the sick-list,want to stop our road;but it was no use trying that nonsense with Napoleon.
So he spoke to his familiars,who had tougher skins than the rest:
"'Go and clear the road for me.'
"Junot,who was his devoted friend,and a first-class fighter,only takes a thousand men,and makes a clean sweep of the Pasha's army,which had the impudence to bar our way.Thereupon back we came to Cairo,our headquarters,and now for another story.
"Napoleon being out of the country,France allowed the people in Paris to worry the life out of her.They kept back the soldiers'pay and all their linen and clothing,left them to starve,and expected them to lay down law to the universe,without taking any further trouble in the matter.They were idiots of the kind that amuse themselves with chattering instead of setting themselves to knead the dough.So our armies were defeated,France could not keep her frontiers;The Man was not there.I say The Man,look you,because that was how they called him;but it was stuff and nonsense,for he had a star of his own and all his other peculiarities,it was the rest of us that were mere men.
He hears this history of France after his famous battle of Aboukir,where with a single division he routed the grand army of the Turks,twenty-five thousand strong,and jostled more than half of them into the sea,rrrah!without losing more than three hundred of his own men.
That was his last thunder-clap in Egypt.He said to himself,seeing that all was lost down there,'I know that I am the saviour of France,and to France I must go.'
"But you must clearly understand that the army did not know of his departure;for if they had,they would have kept him there by force to make him Emperor of the East.So there we all are without him,and in low spirits,for he was the life of us.He leaves Kleber in command,a great watchdog who passed in his checks at Cairo,murdered by an Egyptian whom they put to death by spiking him with a bayonet,which is their way of guillotining people out there;but he suffered so much,that a soldier took pity on the scoundrel and handed his flask to him;and the Egyptian turned up his eyes then and there with all the pleasure in life.But there is not much fun for us about this little affair.Napoleon steps aboard of a little cockleshell,a mere nothing of a skiff,called the Fortune,and in the twinkling of an eye,and in the teeth of the English,who were blockading the place with vessels of the line and cruisers and everything that carries canvas,he lands in France for he always had the faculty of taking the sea at a stride.Was that natural?Bah!as soon as he landed at Frejus,it is as good as saying that he has set foot in Paris.
Everybody there worships him;but he calls the Government together.
"'What have you done to my children,the soldiers?'he says to the lawyers.'You are a set of good-for-nothings who make fools of other people,and feather your own nests at the expense of France.It will not do.I speak in the name of every one who is discontented.'
"Thereupon they want to put him off and to get rid of him;but not a bit of it!He locks them up in the barracks where they used to argufy and makes them jump out of the windows.Then he makes them follow in his train,and they all become as mute as fishes and supple as tobacco pouches.So he becomes Consul at a blow.He was not the man to doubt the existence of the Supreme Being;he kept his word with Providence,who had kept His promise in earnest;he sets up religion again,and gives back the churches,and they ring the bells for God and Napoleon.
So every one is satisfied:primo the priests with whom he allows no one to meddle;segondo,the merchant folk who carry on their trades without fear of the rapiamus of the law that had pressed too heavily on them;tertio,the nobles;for people had fallen into an unfortunate habit of putting them to death,and he puts a stop to this.
"But there were enemies to be cleared out of the way,and he was not the one to go to sleep after mess;and his eyes,look you,traveled all over the world as if it had been a man's face.The next thing he did was to turn up in Italy;it was just as if he had put his head out of the window and the sight of him was enough;they gulp down the Austrians at Marengo like a whale swallowing gudgeons!Haouf!The French Victories blew their trumpets so loud that the whole world could hear the noise,and there was an end of it.
"'We will not keep on at this game any longer!'say the Germans.
"'That is enough of this sort of thing,'say the others.
"Here is the upshot.Europe shows the white feather,England knuckles under,general peace all round,and kings and peoples pretending to embrace each other.While then and there the Emperor hits on the idea of the Legion of Honor.There's a fine thing if you like!
"He spoke to the whole army at Boulogne.'In France,'so he said,'every man is brave.So the civilian who does gloriously shall be the soldier's sister,the soldier shall be his brother,and both shall stand together beneath the flag of honor.'
"By the time that the rest of us who were away down there in Egypt had come back again,everything was changed.We had seen him last as a general,and in no time we find that he is Emperor!And when this was settled (and it may safely be said that every one was satisfied)there was a holy ceremony such as was never seen under the canopy of heaven.
Faith,France gave herself to him,like a handsome girl to a lancer,and the Pope and all his cardinals in robes of red and gold come across the Alps on purpose to anoint him before the army and the people,who clap their hands.
"There is one thing that it would be very wrong to keep back from you.
While he was in Egypt,in the desert not far away from Syria,the Red Man had appeared to him on the mountain of Moses,in order to say,'Everything is going on well.'Then again,on the eve of victory at Marengo,the Red Man springs to his feet in front of the Emperor for the second time,and says to him:
"'You shall see the world at your feet;you shall be Emperor of the French,King of Italy,master of Holland,ruler of Spain,Portugal,and the Illyrian Provinces,protector of Germany,saviour of Poland,first eagle of the Legion of Honor and all the rest of it.'
"That Red Man,look you,was a notion of his own,who ran on errands and carried messages,so many people say,between him and his star.Imyself have never believed that;but the Red Man is,undoubtedly,a fact.Napoleon himself spoke of the Red Man who lived up in the roof of the Tuileries,and who used to come to him,he said,in moments of trouble and difficulty.So on the night after his coronation Napoleon saw him for the third time,and they talked over a lot of things together.
"Then the Emperor goes straight to Milan to have himself crowned King of Italy,and then came the real triumph of the soldier.For every one who could write became an officer forthwith,and pensions and gifts of duchies poured down in showers.There were fortunes for the staff that never cost France a penny,and the Legion of Honor was as good as an annuity for the rank and file;I still draw my pension on the strength of it.In short,here were armies provided for in a way that had never been seen before!But the Emperor,who knew that he was to be Emperor over everybody,and not only over the army,bethinks himself of the bourgeois,and sets them to build fairy monuments in places that had been as bare as the back of my hand till then.Suppose,now,that you are coming out of Spain and on the way to Berlin;well,you would see triumphal arches,and in the sculpture upon them the common soldiers are done every bit as beautifully as the generals!
"In two or three years Napoleon fills his cellars with gold,makes bridges,palaces,roads,scholars,festivals,laws,fleets,and harbors;he spends millions on millions,ever so much,and ever so much more to it,so that I have heard it said that he could have paved the whole of France with five-franc pieces if the fancy had taken him;and all this without putting any taxes on you people here.So when he was comfortably seated on his throne,and so thoroughly the master of the situation,that all Europe was waiting for leave to do anything for him that he might happen to want;as he had four brothers and three sisters,he said to us,just as it might be by way of conversation,in the order of the day:
"'Children,is it fitting that your Emperor's relations should beg their bread?No;I want them all to be luminaries,like me in fact!
Therefore,it is urgently necessary to conquer a kingdom for each one of them,so that the French nation may be masters everywhere,so that the Guard may make the whole earth tremble,and France may spit wherever she likes,and every nation shall say to her,as it is written on my coins,"God protects you."'
"'All right!'answers the army,'we will fish up kingdoms for you with the bayonet.'
