My own State of Injianny is celebrated for unhitchin marrid peple with neatness and dispatch, but you can't get a divorce from the Goddess up there.Not by no means.The old gal has behaved herself too well to cast her off now.I'm sorry the picters don't give her no shoes or stockins, but the band of stars upon her hed must continner to shine undimd, forever.
I'm for the Union as she air, and withered be the arm of every ornery cuss who attempts to bust her up.That's me.I hav sed! [It was a very sweaty day, and at this pint of the orashun a man fell down with sunstroke.I told the awjince that considerin the large number of putty gals present I was more afraid of a DAWTER STROKE.This was impromptoo, and seemed to amoose them very much.]
Feller Citizens--I hain't got time to notis the growth of Ameriky frum the time when the Mayflowers cum over in the Pilgrim and brawt Plymouth Rock with them, but every skool boy nose our kareer has been tremenjis.You will excuse me if Idon't prase the erly settlers of the Kolonies.Peple which hung idiotic old wimin for witches, burnt holes in Quakers'
tongues and consined their feller critters to the tredmill and pillery on the slitest provocashun may hav bin very nice folks in their way, but I must confess I don't admire their stile, and will pass them by.I spose they ment well, and so, in the novel and techin langwidge of the nusepapers, "peas to their ashis." Thare was no diskount, however, on them brave men who fit, bled and died in the American Revolushun.We needn't be afraid of setting 'em up two steep.Like my show, they will stand any amount of prase.G.Washington was abowt the best man this world ever sot eyes on.He was a clear-heded, warm-harted, and stiddy goin man.He never slopt over! The prevailin weakness of most public men is to SLOP OVER! [Put them words in large letters--A.W.] They git filled up and slop.They Rush Things.They travel too much on the high presher principle.They git on to the fust poplar hobbyhoss whitch trots along, not carin a sent whether the beest is even goin, clear sited and sound or spavined, blind and bawky.Of course they git throwed eventooally, if not sooner.When they see the multitood goin it blind they go Pel Mel with it, instid of exerting theirselves to set it right.They can't see that the crowd which is now bearin them triumfantly on its shoulders will soon diskiver its error and cast them into the hoss pond of Oblivyun, without the slitest hesitashun.
Washington never slopt over.That wasn't George's stile.He luved his country dearly.He wasn't after the spiles.He was a human angil in a 3 kornerd hat and knee britches, and we shan't see his like right away.My frends, we can't all be Washingtons but we kin all be patrits & behave ourselves in a human and a Christian manner.When we see a brother goin down hill to Ruin let us not give him a push, but let us seeze rite hold of his coat tails and draw him back to Morality.
Imagine G.Washington and P.Henry in the character of seseshers! As well fancy John Bunyan and Dr.Watts in spangled tites, doin the trapeze in a one-horse circus!
I tell you, feller-citizens, it would have bin ten dollars in Jeff Davis's pocket if he'd never bin born!
* * * * * * * *Be shure and vote at leest once at all elecshuns.Buckle on yer armer and go to the Poles.See two it that your naber is there.See that the kripples air provided with carriages.Go to the poles and stay all day.Bewair of the infamous lise whitch the Opposishun will be sartin to git up fur perlitical effek on the eve of eleckshun.To the poles and when you git there vote jest as you darn please.This is a privilege we all persess, and it is 1 of the booties of this grate and free land.
I see mutch to admire in New Englan.Your gals in partickular air abowt as snug bilt peaces of Calliker as I ever saw.They air fully equal to the corn fed gals of Ohio and Injianny and will make the bestest kind of wives.It sets my Buzzum on fire to look at 'em.
Be still, my sole, be still, & you, Hart, stop cuttin up!
I like your skool houses, your meetin houses, your enterprise, gumpshun &c., but your favorit Bevridge I disgust.I allude to New England Rum.It is wuss nor the korn whisky of Injianny, which eats threw stone jugs & will turn the stummuck of the most shiftliss Hog.I seldom seek consolashun in the flowin Bole, but tother day I wurrid down some of your Rum.
The fust glass indused me to sware like a infooriated trooper.
On takin the secund glass I was seezed with a desire to break winders, & arter imbibin the third glass I knockt a small boy down, pickt his pocket of a New York Ledger, and wildly commenced readin Sylvanus Kobb's last Tail.Its drefful stuff--a sort of lickwid litenin, gut up under the personal supervishun of the devil--tears men's inards all to peaces and makes their noses blossum as the Lobster.Shun it as you would a wild hyeny with a firebrand tied to his tale, and while you air abowt it you will do a first-rate thing for yourself and everybody abowt you by shunnin all kinds of intoxicatin lickers.You don't need 'em no more'n a cat needs 2 tales, sayin nothin abowt the trubble and sufferin they cawse.But unless your inards air cast iron, avoid New England's favorite Bevrige.
My frends, I'm dun.I tear myself away from you with tears in my eyes & a pleasant oder of Onyins abowt my close.In the langwidge of Mister Catterline to the Rummuns, I go, but perhaps I shall cum back agin.Adoo, people of Weathersfield.
Be virtoous & you'll be happy!
2.4.THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE.
As soon as I'd recooperated my physikil system, I went over into the village.The peasantry was glad to see me.The skoolmaster sed it was cheerin to see that gigantic intelleck among 'em onct more.That's what he called me.I like the skoolmaster, and allers send him tobacker when I'm off on a travelin campane.Besides, he is a very sensible man.Such men must be encouraged.
