they are not allowed to vote.In this department is one or two superior giraffes.I never woulded I were a bird, but I've sometimes wished I was a giraffe, on account of the long distance from his mouth to his stummuck.Hence, if he loved beer, one mugful would give him as much enjoyment while goin down, as forty mugfuls would ordinary persons.And he wouldn't get intoxicated, which is a beastly way of amusin oneself, I must say.I like a little beer now and then, and when the teetotallers inform us, as they frekently do, that it is vile stuff, and that even the swine shrink from it, I say it only shows that the swine is a ass who don't know what's good; but to pour gin and brandy down one's throat as freely as though it were fresh milk, is the most idiotic way of goin' to the devil that I know of.
I enjoyed myself very much lookin at the Egyptian mummays, the Greek vasis, etc, but it occurd to me there was rayther too many "Roman antiquitys of a uncertin date." Now, I like the British Mooseum, as I said afore, but when I see a lot of erthen jugs and pots stuck up on shelves, and all "of a uncertin date," I'm at a loss to 'zackly determin whether they are a thousand years old or was bought recent.I can cry like a child over a jug one thousand years of age, especially if it is a Roman jug; but a jug of a uncertin date doesn't overwhelm me with emotions.Jugs and pots of a uncertin age is doubtles vallyable property, but, like the debentures of the London, Chatham, and Dover Railway, a man doesn't want too many of them.
I was debarred out of the great readin-room.A man told me Imust apply by letter for admission, and that I must get somebody to testify that I was respectable.I'm a little 'fraid Ishan't get in there.Seein a elderly gentleman, with a beneverlent-lookin face near by, I venturd to ask him if he would certifythat I was respectable.He said he certainly would not, but he would put me in charge of a policeman, if that would do me any good.A thought struck me."I refer you to 'Mr.Punch'," Isaid.
"Well," said a man, who had listened to my application, "you HAVEdone it now! You stood some chance before."I will get this infamus wretch's name before you go to press, so you can denounce him in the present number of your excellent journal.
The statute of Apollo is a pretty slick statute.A young yeoman seemed deeply imprest with it.He viewd it with silent admiration.At home, in the beautiful rural districks where the daisy sweetly blooms, he would be swearin in a horrible manner at his bullocks, and whacking 'em over the head with a hayfork; but here, in the presence of Art, he is a changed bein.
I told the attendant that if the British nation would stand the expens of a marble bust of myself, I would willingly sit to some talented sculpist.
"I feel," I said, "that this is a dooty I owe to posterity."He said it was hily prob'l, but he was inclined to think that the British nation wouldn't care to enrich the Mooseum with a bust of me, altho' he venturd to think that if I paid for one myself it would be accepted cheerfully by Madam Tussaud, who would give it a prom'nent position in her Chamber of Horrers.The young man was very polite, and I thankt him kindly.
After visitin the Refreshment room and partakin of half a chicken "of a uncertin age," like the Roman antiquitys I have previsly spoken of, I prepared to leave.As I passed through the animal room I observed with pane that a benevolint person was urgin the stufft elephant to accept a cold muffin, but I did not feel called on to remostrate with him, any more than I did with two young persons of diff'rent sexes who had retired behind the Rynosserhoss to squeeze each other's hands.In fack, I rayther approved of the latter proceedin, for it carrid me back to the sunny spring-time of MY life.I'm in the shear and yeller leaf now, but I don't forgit the time when to squeeze my Betsy's hand sent a thrill through me like fellin off the roof of a two-story house; and I never squozed that gentle hand without wantin to do so some more, and feelin that it did me good.
Trooly yours, Artemus Ward.
End The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, Part 6by Charles Farrar BrowneWith a biographical sketch by Melville D.Landon, "Eli Perkins"
